Dr. Livingston, I presume?

By: CADE GRUNST

Posted: 2/29/08

Editor's note: last week Cade used his day off to undergo the fun and excitement of the UC Davis advising system, an experience which was a bit more adventurous than he would have liked. These are the field notes from his epic trek across campus.

12:00. Freed from the horrors of biochemistry, I march a purposeful trail towards the Death Star and its fabled Letters and Science Advising Office. Armed solely with my trusty idea notebook, a Nutrigrain bar stolen unabashedly from my roommate and my iron determination, I'm going to change my major to biotechnology today. I arrive mere minutes later. The building appears deserted but my spirits remain high. I pause to whistle in the stairwell.

12:20. As a science major, I've spent precious little time within the Social Sciences building. I quickly become hopelessly lost. I restore my blood sugar with a bite from my many-grained snack, and yell desperately for help. There is no answer, so I descend.

12:35. The bottom of the stairwell had previously hidden a guidepost coated in a near-impenetrable layer of dust. Coughing, I follow its directions down several staircases, around a corner, through a tunnel and over three small rivers until I find the advising office. "Closed for lunch; back at 1" reads the sign on the door, but I've got time. I'm the only one in the area. I'll be first in line.

12:58. Seemingly from nowhere, vast herds of students flock to my vicinity. As the office doors open, they cluster by the hapless aide, clamoring for entry. I am last, but I am patient. I have time, and I'm excited to finally swap concentrations. I like my new major.

13:25. I've finally met the L&S advisor, who informs me that although "Letters and Science" is printed in large letters on my transcript, I'm actually a Biological Sciences student. She hands me a blank form and minimal instructions, and although I am frustrated, I acquiesce. Off to find my biotech advisor.

14:00. I have no idea where my advisor is. Following advice from my BIT 171 professor, I've spent the last 20 minutes searching fruitlessly through Asmundson, a building named as an homage to its location in the ass-end-of-nowhere-North-Campus. Despite the thrill of seeing several of my past lecturers in their native laboratory habitat, my morale is waning. I'm growing to loathe my new major.

14:20. After searching through MyUCDavis, I have a lead. It suggests that the BIT office lies deep in the heart of the Life Sciences Addition, a reasonable enough abode. I arrive in the LSA basement and inquire at the desk. Blank stares all around. I sidestep the foyer and dive into the cubicle maze, ultimately arriving before a faceplate bearing the legend "LSA 300: Biotechnology." Victory! I swallow the last of my health bar to celebrate, and proudly flaunt my paperwork for the counselor.

"Oh," she says, "Are you an undergraduate? We only deal with grad students here."

Distantly, I can almost hear her explanations over the rising bellow in my ears. She draws me a quick map over my protestations of extreme injustice, and I'm hustled back out the door before I realize what's happened.

15:00. I abhor my new major. Morale is low. The map led, of course, all the way back to North Campus. Once there, my (real) biotech advisor hatefully informed me that unless I'd taken all the preparatory material I'd be unable to enroll. I'm unable to remember, which sends me back to Shields Library computer lab to check.

15:30. My requirements are in order, but I'm a wreck. My blood sugar is low, and it's all I can do to avoid cannibalizing some of the choicer students passing by. As I collect the first of four signatures, I pause to consider how much better life would be if only the advising system was automated, and online.

16:00. As if to taunt me, all the on-campus offices close at 4 p.m.. My new major was clearly spawned in the darkest depths of the Seventh Netherhell. Fueled by blind rage, I'm going advisor hunting.

At this point messages cease. Continue the saga by emailing CADE GRUNST at cade@ucdavis.edu.