Armin Mewes' zombie views

By: CADE GRUNST

Posted: 11/2/07

With the ASUCD elections in two weeks, it's time to address the pertinent issue: Who can better defend us during the zombie apocalypse?

"Oh no," I hear you groan. "Not more zombies. Will this meme never cease?" Fear not, loyal reader, I don't write in jest. I'm not one to send "You've Been Bitten by Cade Grunst! LOLZ!" Facebook grams, nor will I rep the zombie trend on this or any other Halloween. This time I'm deathly serious.

Anyone who scoffs at preparedness needs to meet my greatest fear, a man named Armin Mewes. Mr. Mewes made headlines in 2001 with Internet personals ads seeking "young, well-built men aged 18 to 30 to slaughter."

No, that's not a misprint; charmin' Armin wanted to get his Donner on. I won't go into the details - anyone astonishingly curious can check out the BBC stories. Let it stand that his ad was answered, in full. Armin butchered and ate a guy, and if years of pop-culture exposure have taught me anything, that's solid zombie-havior (sorry).

One crazy man is merely chilling. Our dude-devouring demi-human said later, however, that there are an estimated 800 more "cannibals" (read: Alpha Zombies) in Germany alone. A bit of quick proportionality math tells me that the world may contain as many as 65,000 cranium-crazed grey-matter gorgers out there. Basically, the outbreak could occur at any moment. I'm terrified.

That's why you have to have a plan. Davis isn't the worst place in the world to live during the attack - our population density's low, and we've got an ample supply of emptiness around in which to hide. On the other hand, we're a college campus teeming with co-eds, the preferred snack of the modern brain-muncher. The ghouls may gravitate from miles around. Even worse, since we've got all kinds of crazy research going on, who's to say we won't start the plague ourselves?

My roommates and I have got it figured out. Step one will be to hijack one of the diesel Unitrans buses. We could fit at least 20 people inside and still have room for supplies, and I've got 10 months driving experience under my belt. Plus, although giant and red, Unitrans vehicles are apparently utterly invisible to the average pedestrian. Presuming that undead hordes should be no smarter than week-old freshmen, we should be able to avoid detection for months.

Even with our cloaking protection, we need to be prepared for an eventual assault. That's where Big 5 comes in. Our innocuous sporting goods emporium stocks everything from bolt-action 30.06 scoped rifles to 12-gauge pump shotguns - everything frightened survivors need to mow past mobs of flesh-hungry drooling demons of death. Better yet, Big 5 is right next to Safeway. After two years of college fare, survivalist rations will be a pleasant change of pace. Frankly, I'd almost rather pop the top off a skull than face another two years of pasta.

After we stock up, we take off. The range on the bus should be enough to get us safely out to the middle of nowhere, as that really only takes about 10 miles in any direction. We'll board up the windows, turn on "Thriller" to get ourselves pumped and pray for safety. From our mobile defense center, we should command a mile-wide swathe of this flat terrain, and with scoped weapons, I think we'll be OK. Hopefully, the zombies will eat/transform everyone in their area and subsequently starve to death, allowing us to return and rebuild.

All that's left then is the always-arduous task of repopulating the world. The things a guy's got to do…

CADE GRUNST wants you to remember that friends always shoot their friends in the head if they're bitten by zombies. If you think you're up to the task, let him know at cade@ucdavis.edu.