Spoiler alert: Dumbledore's gay

By: CADE GRUNST

Posted: 10/26/07

I can't seem to wrap my head around homosexuality.

Case in point: The other day I was cursing Halo 3 for robbing me of an otherwise productive time when my roommate wandered by with a bit of news.

"You hear Dumbledore's gay?"

Over my spluttered denials, he referenced his source. Turns out J.K. Rowling brought Albus out of the closet last weekend during a conference. While I'm sure the fanfic authors will be overjoyed (oh no…), I'm more confused than anything else and I can't figure out why. I don't think of myself as being astonishingly homophobic; one of my mom's closest friends is gay, and I've known her nearly my entire life. It never really occurred to me to think it strange that my buddy had two moms. That's just how things were.

It wasn't even all that awkward when one of the first girls I dated broke up with me for another chick. All she did was leave me wondering whether I was her "transition guy." What could her thought process have been? "Oh man, I'm tired of dating dudes, but I'm not quite ready for the ladies…. Dilemma … oh, hey! Cade!" I console myself knowing she got married right out of high school. I'd like to think our time together convinced her that mine is a gender for champions.

The girl gave me a bit of a jolt, but I hardly knew her. Dumbledore is different. I've known the guy since I was 11 and I'd thought I had him figured out. Shocking as the revelation was, however, at least Dumbledore has a nice buffer by virtue of being fictional. My friend "Nick" gave me no such protection. I haven't known Nick for nearly as long, but we're much closer, largely as a result of him being a real person.

Nick and I went to high school together. We were in most of the same classes, spent three years together on the mock trial team, and hung out during summers and after school. Even after graduation we've kept in close touch, close enough that when he finally couldn't handle hiding any more, it was my number he called. His confession stunned me so badly I nearly drove off the freeway. I guess his singing performance in "The Pirates of Penzance" should have been a giveaway, or his apparent mild disinterest in those wonderful ladyfolk. Something should have triggered my gaydar, but I had no idea.

My confusion paled beside Nick's. He had no idea what to do with himself. I gave him what advice I could, but what do I know about being gay? Don't get me wrong, I'm not against the idea. I'm a firm believer that every once in a while, you've got to sit down with yourself and ask one of life's most important questions. Grab some music, get some space and cogitate: "Am I gay? Hm. Nope, not gay!" Or, alternately, "Well I'll be! No wonder I like shoes so much!"

Nick's pretty definitively out now, but that unleashes an entire host of new problems. His prospective career in politics has been abandoned, relations with his roommate are strained and he still can't tell some of his O'Reilly-watching relatives. Intolerance still runs strong in some, and even his best friends (myself included) look at him a little differently now. We're happy he finally got the weight off his chest, and we whole-heartedly support his search for a boyfriend, but we don't have the frame of reference to understand what he sees in other guys.

I'm sure I'm not alone in the "acceptant but bewildered" crowd. It may be borderline hypocritical to support something blowing completely over your head, but that's never stopped me from chatting with the Mormons at my door. I guess sometimes all you can do is smile, nod, listen and learn.

No amount of tolerance is going to stop CADE GRUNST from giggling over the phrase "homogametic sex." Chastise him at cade@ucdavis.edu.